A: Sometimes, people choosing to abuse don’t realize the choices they are making are abusive. They might think that they should have all the say in the relationship or that it’s okay to be jealous to the point where you restrict your partner. However, jealousy and abuse are not love. Love means loving someone for who they are – not who they are to you.

A: There are websites like this one and several others. Check out our links page. There are also people in your school who you can talk to – a teacher, guidance counselor, the school nurse. Friends you can trust to keep the information confidential are also good to talk to. It’s important to get support that feels most comfortable to you!

A: Abuse in relationship happens because of a belief system. That means the person choosing to abuse believes they have the right to control their partner. A lot of issues around Domestic Violence relate to sexism. Sexism is when men in our culture believe they have the right to have more power than women. This can look a lot of different ways. When men are taught that they are supposed to have more privileges than women, which can affect the way they relate to the women they date. There are definitely women who can chose to abuse their partner’s who are men – however, most of the time in heterosexual relationships, it is a man choosing to abuse his partner who is a woman. That’s not to say that “men are bad” or “all men are abusive” – it’s just that men are more likely to be encouraged to have a belief system about women that needs to be unlearned.

A: You are the expert of your own situation. It’s very important to think about what feels most safe when thinking about making a change or ending your relationship. Trust your gut instinct. If you feel comfortable talking to someone else, there are resources available – our confidential hotline (800.537.6066) or Ask an Advocate. You might also feel comfortable talking to a friend, a family member or an adult at your school that you trust. People in your life that you feel safe with can help you come up with a “safety plan” – a way to get through your every day activities in the safest way possible. For example, maybe a friend could walk you to your classes so you don’t have to be alone if your partner were to try to confront you. Or maybe someone from your family can pick you up from school so you don’t have to worry about walking home. The bottom line is that you feel safe – think about what you need in order to feel the most comfortable during this time.

A: Jealousy is a common emotion – and probably a common issue that comes up in lots of relationships. It’s okay to feel jealous. Some unhealthy or abusive choices would be to yell at your partner, tell them what they can and cannot do or try to control them because you are feeling jealous. Some healthy choices would be to talk to your partner about how you’re feeling, try to come up with a compromise or chose to end the relationship if you don’t feel you can work things out.

A: Any sexual contact without consent is considered a sexual assault or a rape. Consent is a “yes” of your own free will –and it is always the responsibility of the person who is initiating the sexual activity to get consent from their partner. That means hearing a “yes”, checking in with the person if they seem uncomfortable and stopping anytime the person says “no”. Coercion is manipulation with pressure. An example of coercion would be if someone says “no” when asked to have sex and the person initiating that keeps pressuring them or threatens them in order to make them change their mind. Using coercion is not the same as getting consent. When someone uses coercion, it could be considered, legally, a sexual assault or rape. It’s really important to have a lot of communication if sexual activity or sex is going to be a part of any relationship – to make sure both people feel comfortable, safe and respected.

A: Drinking and drugs cannot cause abuse, but they are commonly used as excuses for why abuse is happening. However, in a relationship where there is abuse present, if drugs and alcohol are involved, certain situations could escalate. For example, if someone is abusing their partner, they might only use physical violence when they are under the influence – but there are already other types of abuse present in the relationship and already a system of power and control.

A: This is a tough situation. If you want to do something to help someone who is choosing to abuse their partner, you need to think about what feels the safest to you. Maybe you can say something about the language they use in general – putting down women, for example. Maybe you can confront them on the names they might call their partner – saying something like “I heard you call your partner a bitch. I don’t think that’s okay”. Or maybe you could ask them some questions about the way they are treating their partner, listen to their response and then express your opinion. It’s not easy to confront someone who’s choosing to abuse.

A: Dating Violence definitely happens in same-sex (lesbian, gay, bisexual) relationships! It’s actually the same rate as heterosexual relationships – about 28% or more than 1 in 4 contain some form of abuse. A lot of the tactics or types of abuse look the same – but there is an additional tactic of someone choosing to abuse threatening to “out” their partner. This means they might threaten to tell others their partner is lesbian, gay or bisexual before they are ready for others to know that information.

A: Domestic Violence is violence that happens between two people who are dating, partnered, married or live together. The person choosing to abuse is usually also telling the person that they are abusing that they love them or once loved them.

A: All abuse is hurtful, regardless of what type of abuse it is. Verbal and emotional abuse tears down a person’s self-esteem. Someone experiencing verbal and emotional abuse might start to feel bad about themselves or start to blame themselves for the abuse – thinking that if they change, the abuse will stop. The scars from verbal and emotional abuse last a long time – it’s hard to forget someone who says they love you calling you names or putting you down.

A: It is hard to say if someone who is choosing to abuse will make a change after a relationship ends. Everyone has the potential to change, but it can be hard to unlearn that belief system that people who are choosing to abuse have formed. Someone abusing their partner would need to recognize that the choices they are making are about having power and control over someone else and then decide to work to unlearn that way of thinking. It would take time, accountability and a willingness to seek help.

A: This could be an example of physical abuse, yes. If someone wants to leave a party or other social setting, they can ask their partner if they are ready to leave. If they are not ready to leave, they could work out a compromise of some sort. Maybe one person would leave and the other would get a ride home with someone else or they could set a time to leave together. Grabbing someone’s arm and pulling them out of a party is making the decision for them – forcefully – and using physical violence to do so.

A: This is a hard place to be in. If neither person is responsive when you try to reflect unhealthy or abusive examples of what you see going on in their relationship, the best thing to do is to be consistent. Make sure your friend knows that you are always there to talk to them. You can also get some support for yourself – someone you can talk to about what’s going on. You could call a hotline, use the Ask an Advocate page or check out some of our other resources. However, if at any time you think either person is in danger of being hurt, you should tell a trusted adult or call the police.

A: Dating violence happens in 28% or more than 1 out of 4 high school and college-aged relationships. That’s a pretty big number. It means that you’ll probably know someone at some point in your life who is experiencing dating violence if you don’t already. There’s lots of great resources on our website for how to support a friend who’s being abused. Check them out here.

A: If someone is threatening to take their own life for any reason, you should definitely tell a trusted adult or call the police! Why someone would chose to take their own life due to a breakup is hard to say. Maybe he feels like he can’t live without his girlfriend or maybe it’s just a threat to manipulate her into not ending the relationship. Either way, this could be a dangerous and serious threat. He could try to take his girlfriend’s life first – maybe he feels like she’s his possession and if he can’t have her, no one can. Again, regardless of the reason, if someone is threatening to do something like this, get help!